I Cried Today

I cried today
and at first I didn’t know why.
Then I realized
Christianity destroys families.
It forces a man to hate his own
flesh and blood until it’s too late.
It forces a man to lose a daughter
to suicide and rob him of the chance to change.
Although I should condemn this man
for being so full of hate,
instead I feel sorry.
He looked lost.
He looked scared.
He realized in his heart it was too late.
He couldn’t bring his daughter back.
He couldn’t love her the way he should’ve.
He could only do the right thing
and stand up to a man that hates
people like his daughter and call them
Now all I want to do is reach out to him.



If there is one thing I learned all those many years ago when I was first scouting out the internet is that people can and do lie about who they are. There’s an air of complete anonymity as we all sit at our computer screens and type out whatever words we want to convey a certain feeling or a certain story.

Having said that, most of my closest friends aren’t geographically close to me at all. My best friend lives in Illinois. Another close friend lives in England. I have even traveled to England three times because of the people I have met on the internet, so I know that not every single person I encounter is full of lies and merely online to fuck with people’s heads.

The worst place I found for the liars to hang out was the now-defunct Yahoo! chat rooms. There were chat rooms for just about any subject under the sun. I first started frequenting one about careers, because I was fresh out of college and not 100% sure of what I wanted to do. I also looked into LGBT chat rooms, though really they were just LG chat rooms that Bs and Ts were in as well. And it’s the Ts – the transgender chatters – who are the topic of this blog post.

I was hit on by many transgender women while chatting in the Lesbian chat rooms. My problem was that I don’t necessarily believe they were transgender anything, be it male to female or female to male. I think they were straight men posing as women in a Lesbian chat room, because straight men think it would be hot to watch two women together or would consider it a personal conquest to be with a Lesbian. I don’t necessarily believe that any of those people were really who they claimed to be. I never went into those chat rooms for anything other than chatting, yet I was constantly pursued by these “women” who wanted to be in a relationship when I did not. I was in the chat room(s) purely for fun.

During this time, I also met the person who would turn out to be the only transgender person I know. At the time we first met, I had no idea what she was going through. I only knew that she was severely depressed most of the time. I had a suspicion of the cause, but she disappeared before I could ask. A few years passed and we were able to get in touch. My suspicions turned out to be correct, but she doubted my sincerity in being okay with her transition because of my prior statements regarding transgender people in that chat setting. I do not have a problem with transgender people. Period. I do not understand how anyone can be born in the wrong body, but it’s not my job to understand it. I don’t understand most of science, but I accept that it is real. I accept my friend and I accept anyone else who may come into my life who has transitioned from one sex to the other or may be in the midst of transitioning. If I dislike someone it’s going to be for a valid reason – like you’re an asshole of epic proportions.

I have a part time job in which I deal with the general public and a bathroom is involved. I may or may not have encountered a transgender woman in the years I’ve been at this job. I don’t know, nor do I care. These women are just like me. They use the bathroom for one reason and one reason alone: to relieve themselves. I’ve never felt that anyone was in the bathroom for any other reason than to use the facilities for their intended use. End of story.

I don’t have a problem with transgender people, but I still stand by my beliefs of those specific people in that specific setting of an internet chat room. I just feel that my friend will never forgive my feelings from before we even met. In her eyes, I feel that way about ALL transgender people when quite the opposite is true.

Do you think I am wrong? Please share your thoughts.


Hope or Hate?

Hello Lovelies,

It’s been a rollercoaster week for me and I’m sure you feel the same. I’ve alternated between being scared for my own personal future as a Lesbian and as a woman, but also for this country. And wanting to do the right thing of trying to understand the other side. I hate living in a country so divided like this. Especially when I have friends who are on the opposite side of the chasm.

I am terrified that this will become a country like North Korea, cut off from the world and run by extreme Christians whose leader has probably never set foot in a church. A country so full of hate that LGBT are shot on site. A country so full of hate that women become the chattel we once were so long ago. I have friends in other countries that I would like to continue to communicate with and I fear that might come to an end. I am afraid that any country that pisses this president elect off in the slightest way, he’ll bomb into non-existence. That’s no way to handle things.

Yet I hear all of those who say that the reason we are in the situation we’ve found ourselves in is because we don’t talk to one another. So I sit in contemplative silence trying to find the means to start bridging the gap. I cannot begin to figure out how to unravel the hate. Christian Conservatives claim to follow the bible and while I haven’t opened one in a while, I’m pretty sure that there are plenty of verses in there about helping others. On a whim I have searched for a few…

  • Matthew 5:42
  • John 15:12
  • Matthew 25:35-40
  • James 2:14-17
  • 1 John 3:17
  • 1 John 4:19-20
  • Philippians 2:4

And in each of these instances, there is no foot note or asterisk leading you to a note at the bottom of the page in tiny print that reads, “If you disagree with this, it’s okay, you’re still a part of the team.”

How does love conquer hate? How do I find hope again? I wish I had answers.


Now What?

“In spite of everything, I still believe that people are really good at heart.”
Anne Frank

I wish I could feel the same way Miss Frank did so long ago. Of course she had it worse because she was in the midst of a second World War. But as I wake up this morning, I don’t feel that people in this country are really good at heart. All I see, all I feel is hate. As far as I’m concerned, with this new chapter in our brief history, we should tear down the Statue of Liberty, as it means nothing to those who are in charge now – and I include not only politicians but the people who put them in office. We are no longer a welcoming safe-haven for those fleeing a terrible existence. We would rather build walls and isolate ourselves, kinda like a certain country in Asia.

I fear for my future with my girlfriend. I fear for my friend I mentioned in my post yesterday. I fear for anyone who is different. Women who fear that being grabbed in the genitals will be viewed as acceptable “because the president does it.” Disabled people (my brother is one) who can now be openly ridiculed. Is this what our Founding Fathers wanted? Maybe it is and I’m just on the wrong side of things.


Packages: It’s What’s Inside that Counts

When I was a teenager, I remember moving into the stage of life where Christmas and birthday presents were no longer a surprise. Shopping for what I wanted was something I participated in, then simply waited until the specified time to open the gifts. There were several occasions when I was very excited to finally receive the gift and didn’t care that my mother (or any other relatives) had taken time to wrap the item or even simply drop it into a gift bag covered in tissue. The contents was what was important to me, not what was on the outside.

It’s like that with friends, too. You connect to people not for their packaging, but what’s inside them. Their spiritual selves, their intellectual selves, their psychological selves, their soul; that’s what counts. What they look like on the outside isn’t what drives the friendship.

I made a friend several years ago on another blog I have. If anyone were to ask me today how we met, I wouldn’t be able to say. It’s just like our friendship just magically appeared. Then, our paths in live diverged and I realized how truly sad I was not to be able to talk to my friend. To be sure, ours isn’t a friendship where we’ve met for lunch or even chatted on the phone, but I missed the opportunity to communicate in any fashion. I knew there was depression involved in my friend’s life and I suspected the reason for it, but didn’t really feel right in pushing things. I never quit following my friend’s blog, so I was thrilled to bits to have the opportunity to reconnect quite recently.

Through an email I learned that my unspoken suspicions were correct and I am happy to welcome my dear friend into the wonderful, wacky, emotional, stressful, hilarious, human world of womanhood. It feels like I have a new friend and she’s the most amazing woman in the world, though I have to say that I think I am a little older than her and THAT’S no good. Lol Damn her!

I hope that I can learn from her as she continues on her journey of life. And I hope she knows I wouldn’t trade her friendship for anything.


Giving up a dream

I think it’s fair to say that I’ve been trying to become a writer for the last 30 years of my life. Problem is, I have nothing to show for it. No completed manuscript. No published articles about anything. Just flat out nothing. So it’s got me wondering if I ever will be a writer. Right now as I type these words, I’m feeling that I am not truly a writer.

For a while now I’ve had this anonymous female character idea who lives in a future US where the worst kind of government has prevailed. A dystopia where an extreme Christian government is in full control of lives and anyone who doesn’t fit their mold is marked in some way, tracked and ultimately eliminated if they don’t toe the line. But then this female comes in – someone with no name, literally a number tattooed on her arm like the Nazis did to the Jews. Somehow this girl takes on the whole government and brings them down. She’s one of the marked ones. Stripped of her identity and given the number because she’s a Lesbian, AND a pagan.

Sounds good right? Maybe someone will write it some day. I don’t know if it can be me.

Ancient Days

Way back when I first started this blog, I attempted to share 101 Things About Me that would give you insight into who I am. One of those things was that I love to read, and yes that’s still true. However, I never shared what I like to read. My primary genre is historical fiction and the more accurate it is the better. Having said that, my favourite time period is when Rome occupied Great Britain and the time period both before and after. Pretty much anything prior to William the Conqueror’s little visit in 1066.

Yesterday while I was reading the current selection – When Women Were Warriors Book I: The Warrior’s Path – I finally realized what the appeal is to this time period. Many of the stories I read, especially like the current one, have sexuality that is fluid. Women sleep with men and with women and it is simply a part of the tale told. The characters are typically more open with each other in all ways and that appeals to me. Of course reading books set in such a long ago time means that there’s less chance for accuracy, but I’d like to think that on the whole humans were a lot more open to any “anything goes” kind of attitude, unlike today.

Having said all of that, I am pretty well open to reading historical fiction set in other time periods, just nothing set more recent than 1900. I also love a good mystery and have read a fair number of humorous books.


Advice Needed

Okay I’m going to ask you Lovelies for your opinion or some advice about something in a relationship. I sincerely hope you will respond as it would mean a lot to me.

Have you ever been the polar opposite of your mate on any subject matter?

I am with my Beloved and I do not under any circumstances want it to come between us. It’s not important enough, in my eyes, to be a wedge, but I’m curious to know how others handle any opposition by your mate.


Hate Feeling Helpless

Excuse me while I get a little personal for a minute or three.

My girlfriend is a runner. She’s passionate about running. She’s scheduled to run her second full marathon in October. But there’s a problem: her body seems to be against her. She’s had problems with one of her ankles and had a boot on it for many months between 2015-16. Finally she got that off and started physical therapy. Now as of last weekend, she’s got knee problems and thinks she may have a torn meniscus. She’s going to have an MRI done to confirm it.

Her physical therapist thinks the torn meniscus is from her bike crash a year ago this week and I’m betting all of her ankle problems have stemmed from a compensation for the knee injury. Several years ago my father had a torn meniscus which was surgically repaired and on the whole I know it’s not a big deal, but it is when that means many more months of not being able to train for a marathon. In all likelihood, she won’t be running the marathon and that’s money down the drain because they don’t give refunds. Even this far in advance. I think that’s bullshit, but I know my opinion matters little.

I just feel so fucking helpless. I hate that there’s absolutely nothing I can do. I hate that she is prevented from doing the one thing she loves most to do. It’s therapeutic for her and that’s taken away. She’s studying to be a personal trainer and she enjoys being active. I just wish I could make this go away. But I can’t and it pisses me off. I want her to be happy always because I love her.